Walking with a mighty chip

Thinkin “aww I’m killin it”

He measures me soon enough

Realizing I’m hardly tough

Where is my progress

Supposed to be?

They discuss scar tissue

Anesthesia and rebreaking me

My ears over hear

Their frozen words

Head swarms high

Chirping birds

I tell myself

Hands up, surrender

Ease the mind

Control the temper

“I Need Help”…
Or so I think…

Drew is sent to his room by his “choice” or lack of three times before breakfast. Phone rings…Hello? Looks like so and so has Covid. Have you had contact in the last blah blah blah. Can’t we treat it like the gays in the military in the 70’s? Wait ✋ now what the hell is that suppose to mean? Don’t ask…Phone rings again, your nasal swab came back with bacteria. It’s nothing to be alarmed about. Come get the prescription take x days before and x days after and you should be good to go for surgery. Hang up the phone.
Phone rings. Surgery has been moved to a different day and a different location but you’ll be more satisfied👍
Me: umm OK that sounds good. Hang up
Me: “Oh good gravy, Dempsi, you need to slow down!” Reaching to stop her I slip and fall to the ground letting out a moan.
The boys check on me, “mommy you ok, need help?” After watching me throw my pencil into the wall. Dempsi races to her room confused how to react.
At some point being injured breaks you in and makes you mad until you surrender. It’s like being smoked in the face on an inbounds play with the basketball, it doesn’t matter whose sorry it just sucks and you sit and cry until your nose and eyes stop watering.
After soaking in tears I creep to check on Dempsi. She gives me a hug and says she’s sorry she didn’t check on me, her feelings were hurt. As we console and hug and chat about how mommy is hurt but it doesn’t excuse her or my actions (her the running through the house and me getting upset). She asks if we can read a story and sits in my lap.
Sitting with her flipping through pages I realize it’s all about the make up talks or the sweet check ins by two sticky toddlers. I always think I need so much help but realize most everything I need is right in front if me. I’m so very blessed to have what I have and am reminded to be grateful 🙏

Finally made it to the lake today. Or as Dempsi calls it “her ocean”. Will had to touch it (can you blame him). Drew wore Dempsi’s water shoes so he didn’t miss out. Walter and I tagged along listening to Al teach us how electricity was made 🖤

Intentionally masked depression lingered after you joined the others above.

Slowly building to a rapid boil, broke at the top, crashed all the way down.

Starting as a fresh mess, gained some footing, kept breaking over and over again.

Natural runners mind, intentional reminders to be still, resting in peaceful thought.

Keep falling in love

over again with

this random personal friend.

Awfully dense fully loaded,

pouty lashes, heart exploded.

The mischief the mayhem

driven, married, working man.

Oh the other side of you

watching you find your balance

exhilarating, exhausting

Bill Gates type of allowance.

Seeing your growth has me speechless

Like “hmm what should I do next”?

Or “oh what should we do”?

Falling in love with you…

There was that time after you passed

I was too lazy to breathe

Blacking out trying to carry on

So wrapped up in the daily grind

Life became a dark video game

Words began to slur, spirit was numb

Unrelatable to myself and most anyone

With no purpose life felt scary

I didn’t know what to do

Beyond thankful for my treasures

Where I came from and above all, you.

Miss you beautiful

Sometimes your not your best and that’s ok. The challenging part comes when performing is apart of your nature. Addicted to the game, hard time stopping, and loves to run easily describe my childhood. Rolled my ankles in 7th grade and from then on the injuries never stopped. The kid who spent more time in the training room than actually practice. More time rehabbing then strength training. Still the expectations were insane. Remembering maxing lifts on game days makes me sick to my stomach when looking down at my bionic peg. Only now am I in the frame of mind to understand the capacity of “over doing it”. November brings good news. Healing is coming my way, time to get my other knee replaced. I remember coach Gary telling me to call him if I was ever down and to keep my head up. Now I know what he meant. Spending time off your feet by yourself is somewhat alarming. Learning to ask for help and reading have been tools for success. Getting prepared, trying not to beat myself up and many prayers for this next big one. So excited to get myself and this body back, its been a long time coming, ready to let this pain go.

Missing you was never enough

Loneliness when times were tough

Misplaced energy wasted space

World completely out of place

Time and anger lead to sadness

Bitter to the core feelings suppress

Healing slow as a hurried sloth

luke warm brand new wash cloth

Stronger each day cry on whim

Tears of joy and hardship

Laundry beside the bin

Miss you angel it’s been some time 💞

Dempsi roll, tootsie roll, favorite sweets for the soul

My moms pop sure livened her up, turned her to a sugar rushed pup

And your resemblance of her and your Grandma Sue

Heartbreaking and obvious in all the things that you do

So mind your manners and praise the cross

Grateful for you, our special first coin toss

Why are your arms so strong your hips shoot wide and your tears fall